I Stalk My Son's Birthmom

I Stalk My Son's Birthmom

Posted on June 07, 2016


People probably think I'm crazy when they hear me say that I stalk my son's birth mom online.

We adopted Eli out of foster care when he was 18 months old. His mom, Anna, was a lost 16-year-old foster child. In her short life, she experienced everything from sexual abuse, abandonment from her parents and now several criminal convictions and drug addiction. Annaís Facebook page is her personal diary and cry for help. I read of nights partying, her father abusing her and all her problems and fears.

At first, I hated her for abandoning her baby. So, I began praying awful prayers like Please, God, make her get arrested again. Or Please, God, donít let her return and us lose Eli. But the more I prayed for her, the more I learned to love her. And, my prayers changed to Dear Lord, send someone today to Anna. And, please do your will for both Eli and his mom Ė and I will just learn to deal with the pain later.†Well, God answered my thousands of prayers in His timing when we stood before the judge and Eliís name forever changed.

But I still pray daily. I pray that, if it could be good for me or Eli to see his birth mom, our paths would cross. Yet, if it would be harmful to Eli or Anna, that we are kept far apart. I occasionally see her newest mug shot photo. She no longer looks like a cute 16-year-old girl with sad eyes. Anna now is 21 and looks like a full blown meth addict with a soul so dark that all hope is gone. Every new mug shot looks worse than before and is like a knife into my heart. People probably wonder why I still keep up with her. I do it because I know at least one of three things will happen in my future. One day, Anna, may show up on my doorstep. Or, Eli may want to meet her when he is older. I may read one day that Anna is dead. Whatever the future holds, my heart needs to be ready.

As I continue to track my son's birth mom, a passion continues to grow within me for local foster kids. I get angry. These forgotten children are worthy of Godís love! It aches my heart to say that Anna is probably beyond the scope of help. Only a miracle as big as the parting of the seas sent from God can save her now. But, for my son, his story is ENTIRELY different. Just as Anna hugged me the one time I met her and said, ďI want my son to have a life different than I.Ē

I know that, by Godís grace, that will happen. Eliís family tree has a new branch. He will live a good life. He will know the unconditional love of a family and a heavenly father. And, that LOVE will make all the difference. There are COUNTLESS ways to make the difference in the life of a foster child like Anna and Eli through Hands of Hope Adoption and Orphan Care. You can become a foster parent, chaperone a foster child during a Hands of Hope event, send a foster child to camp Ė and much more! Contact Tiffany Eggers at: tiffany@handsofhopein.org.†


Why would you change any part of her son's name? Why are you not having him make her cards and skyping and visiting and letting her and his family interact with him? I understand that she's in and out of jail and that she has problems with drugs that make daily care difficult so it's wonderful that you are there to help her and her family but surely you could find some way to facilitate productive contact - after all he's owed anything she's capable of doing for him. In jail she's capable of writing to him and out of jail she can read him bed time stories or remind him to brush his teeth. Literally anything she can do that is maternal even if it's only once and a while is certainly deserved by him and its far better for him to get something than nothing from her. As long as she and her family were not tried and convicted for physically abusing him after he was born certainly there must be productive contact opportunities that will make him feel like he's still her son and still part of his own family. He deserved safe loving attention from her on a daily basis and the fact she can't give it all the time should not mean then that he gets it none of the time, that's not fair to him. You are in the position to control whether or not your paths cross; you know who she is and where she is and what she's up to. Here's the thing about mug shots, they don't catch a woman at her absolute best and I bet she looks a heck of a lot better not under a florescent lamp, and with her hair brushed and a good night sleep. Imagine how she might be spiraling out of control now that she thinks she can't talk to or see her own son. The more she thinks that the people who adopted him will tell him bad things about her the more hopeless and futile being good will seem and so much easier to just live recklessly. If she was given the oportunity to behave motherly to some small sliver of an extent like mail some socks or color with him on skype or have dinner with him on skype once a week or say prayers at night once a week when he goes to bed the more she will give him what he needs and deserves from her and the more reason she'll have to be someone he could maybe one day look up to. She's not going to pull it completely together and be able to take over raising him anytime soon so she's hardly a threat to your roll as chief caregiver. If you make a point of crossing paths with her to facilitate constructive interaction, not just visitation, you'll succeed in making him trust your intentions and in making her feel like she's a small part of raising him rather than resenting you for being so perfect and hating herself for failing her own child. It's really all circumstantial, very few people have the wherewithall to rise above their circumstances when the deck is stacked against them and soon enough they begin choosing to do things that keep them down in that familiar place where they have no goals for the future and just live to get high so they don't really have to look at the grey reality around them. I'm telling you try crossing paths with her intentionally and suggesting to her that he could really benefit from consistent ongoing care from her in the form of a good night ext when her phone is up and running (you can fake it or tell the truth on the nights she misses). A call where they each say one good thing and one bad thing that happened. You can tightly control the timing and length of the call at bedtime and she will understand he needs his rest. She is not soleless and she's more than just a meth addict, she is a human being and she's the mother of the young man you are kind enough to raise. If she's as far gone as you say she is giving her some small job to do as his mom that he can feel is a million times better for his self esteem and for hers than just sending a photo or having a visit which it does not even sound like you're letting happen at the moment. Your drawn to her that's why you stalk her. She fascinates you because she made someone you love very much. Feeling purposeful in her son's life just might save her life or at least give her an opportunity to be known to her son in the way a son should know his mother - involved and interactive. She's incapacitated imagine her as being debilitated by a disease, bedridden riddled with terminal cancer if you must but then think how could I help her still feel like his mother even though she's not cooking and doing laundry every day as she would like to be if she were firing on all cylinders? If she fails you will feel good for having at least tried. And guess what she might not always fail. It's never too late for her to do good things for him he will always deserve her love and motherly attention. Bless you for helping her out with her kid. I hope you see God wants you to cross paths or he would not be leading you back to her making you watch her. You'd have forgotton all about her by now if there was not something very important that you were forgetting to do for her son. Peace.

Posted by marilynn on September 25, 2018 @ 2:01 am