"How to love them well": Parenting Teen children
Oh, we were in the thick of it then! Teenage angst was in full effect! In fact, can you guys bring up a still shot of that family portrait?
Yeah. Yeah, there it is… Look at their faces! It was the summer of 2019. Jaden was 15, Desi had just turned 14, and my husband and I were doing our best to navigate the choppy waters of adolescence. You can tell by Jed’s face that we weren't necessarily having the best time of it—of raising teenagers!!
The angst was a relatively new phenomenon, but then again…
I started seeing signs early on.
Warning signs - that behind that sweet little nose and those kissable rosy cheeks - was the most crafty, intelligent, wild, free-spirited, and hard-headed child I had ever encountered in my life. And she was all mine! Look at the defiance in those eyes! I said don’t touch that fan! She said watch me!
Her brother, on the other hand, sailed through toddlerhood like a breeze. In fact, back then, that was his nickname, “Cool Breeze,” a friend of ours started calling him that because he was just so chill and unbothered. Which was quite the contrast to his fiery little sister!
Chill and unbothered.
Wild and free spirited
Chill and unbothered.
Wild and free spirited
And these 2 precious babies were entrusted to those 2 babies, in the year of our Lord 2003, and 2005.
From then on, it became our duty, as parents, to steward them responsibly. For me, that meant managing every controllable aspect of their world. The foods they ate, the media they consumed, the clothes they wore, the friends they kept, the places they went - I had control over all of it. Glorious. Sweet. Control.
To a degree, I could even control how well they did in school! I mean, at least I tried to.
We made regular trips to the library:
So that they would get good grades.
Which always paid off when report cards rolled around.
And when it came time for those big school projects, you know: the science fair, the history fair, I was that parent that stayed up all night customizing their costumes or their tri-fold poster boards.
This was the year they each won first prize for their grade at the reading fair. You can’t begin to imagine how proud I was… of me! I worked hard for those blue ribbons! I burnt my right index finger with the woodburning tool I used to carve the popsicle sticks for that award-winning hobbit hole!
Look, the toddler years, they were not great—not for me, at least! But elementary school is where I hit my stride as a parent. I felt like I had it all under control.
But almost immediately, as soon as they hit Jr. High, things started to shift dramatically.
In 2016, we moved away from our close-knit community in Chicago, which meant a new school for my 6th- and 7th-graders, where they met new friends- friends I didn’t know.
Right away, some little girl gave MY SON her phone number! Her phone number!
And Desi?! She was undergoing a massive shift in the way she saw the world. As a 6th grader, she started asking the hardest questions. Questions I was in no way prepared to answer, and my parental anxiety began to climb.
I feared I was losing my influence over my kids. That some unknown outside source was now shaping their worldview - and that voice was louder than mine. Our talks got more complicated, more nuanced, and delicate. I was so afraid of messing up, saying the wrong thing that might push my kids further way from me, or away from God.
The truth is, the thing I feared most had already begun to happen. My teens were beginning to form their own worlds. A world that was totally unfamiliar to me. A world that I didn’t have complete control over - and I felt like my babies were slipping through my fingers.
That was where we were as a family when we first arrived here, at Grace Church, in the Spring of 2017. This picture was taken on Easter Sunday, my first official day on the job and our first official Sunday at Grace! My son had just turned 13, and my daughter was 12.
She was still wild and free-spirited.
He was still chill and unbothered.
But both of them were completely uncertain. I’d say terrified, actually, just like me.
In his book, The Grown Up’s Guide to Teenage Humans, author Josh Shipp says this, he says:
“Everything is changing in your teen’s life. And the problem with adolescence is that everyone is so terrified. Everyone knows that something big is happening to them - something that will change them and form them forever - but they don't have enough life experience to see through the frightening fog. So everyone is left terribly insecure and afraid.” - Josh Shipp, The Grown Up’s Guide to Teenage Humans
Being a teenager, or being the parent of a teenager, can be frightening! Because everything is changing, and that means all kinds of things, good and bad!
It can mean exciting changes as your teen is finally coming into their own. They’re testing the waters and trying on new identities in order to discover who they are and what they want to be in this world.
It can also mean scary changes as your teen is finally coming into their own. They’re testing the waters and trying on new identities in order to discover who they are and what they want to be in this world.
It’s exciting, and it’s scary. It’s fun! And it’s frustrating! More than one thing can be true at the same time, and the teenage years are kind of a mixed bag of all the feelings.
But I want you to know, whether you're frightened or excited, frustrated or elated, when it comes to navigating the teen years:
You don’t have to go it alone!
It may sound cheesy to say “we’re in this together.” And it probably would be cheesy - if it weren’t so completely true! The truth is, you don’t have to go it alone. Because we ARE in this together!
We’re that village Barry talked about last week, when he urged parents of young children to “remember the village.” Remember, you don’t have to go it alone, because there’s a whole support network that includes schools and education professionals, coaches, and teachers. And here at Grace, that village includes entire ministries like Lift, Grace Kids, and Student Ministries, and the dedicated staff and volunteers who want to support your family, like family.
The village includes all of us. Whether you’re married or single, young or old, all of us have a role to play, because we all make up that village. When my family was in the thick of it, navigating the teen years, we wouldn’t have gotten very far without our village. More on that later, but for now, I’m going to pray for us before we open the word:
[Pray]
If you have your Bible, turn with me to Colossians chapter 3 and Ephesians chapter 6.
If you’re using a house Bible, Colossians 3 is on page 988, and Ephesians 6 is on page 980.
I’ll kind of be jumping around in the Word this morning, but our primary passages will be these two: Colossians 3 and Ephesians 6. They are twin passages, and both of them are examples of what’s known as a “household code.”
In the ancient Greco-Roman world, families were structured around the oldest male figure, known as the pater familias.
And this historical background—what we call the world behind the text—it matters a lot for how we interpret these household codes in Colossians and Ephesians.
In 1st Century Rome, family structure was the bedrock of society, and the pater familias, the oldest male figure, or the ‘father,’ had absolute authority over everyone in his extended household. And I mean total authority.
It was customary that when a child was born, it would be laid at the feet of the pater familias. If he took the child in his arms, it meant the baby would live. But if he walked away from it, for any reason, it meant the child was rejected. And by law, the rest of the family, including the mother, would have to abandon that child, either by leaving it outside to die in the elements, by taking it to the city forum to be given to any stranger who wanted it, or by drowning it.
That's just the way society was structured in the 1st-century Roman Empire.
It’s important for us to understand the world to which Paul and Timothy are writing.
Colossians 1 introduces the letter this way, saying:
“This letter is from Paul, chosen by the will of God to be an apostle of Christ Jesus, and from our brother Timothy. We are writing to God’s holy people in the city of Colosse, who are faithful brothers and sisters in Christ.”
Now I think it’s appropriate to mention Timothy here, because he was a youth.
We first encounter young Timothy in Acts chapter 16:
“...There was a young disciple named Timothy. His mother was a Jewish believer, but his father was a Greek. 2 Timothy was well thought of by the believers…3 so Paul wanted him to join them on their journey.” Acts 16:1-3
1. Timothy was young! Most scholars place him in his mid-to-late teens
2. He came from a mixed ethnic and cultural background. He was Jewish by birth, because according to Jewish law, the child takes on the religion of its mother. But his father was Greek, and a few things in this passage suggest his father never converted to Judaism. And so, Timothy’s cultural identity kind of hung in limbo as he lived between two worlds. And this could not have been easy for young Timothy.
3. But we can also see from this passage that even though he was young, Timothy was already a disciple. Acts 16:1 says, “...There was a young disciple named Timothy.”
If he was a teenager, with a Jewish mother and a Gentile father, how was it that he came to be known as a disciple, “well thought of” by the believers?
Well, we get a clue from Paul’s letter to Timothy, 2nd Timothy 1:5, where Paul says:
“I remember your genuine faith, for you share the faith that first filled your grandmother Lois and your mother, Eunice. And I know that same faith continues strong in you.” 2nd Timothy 1:5
We don’t know much about Timothy’s father, but Paul makes sure we know the names of the 2 women who shaped and formed young Timothy’s faith! Lois and Eunice did so much to nurture young Timothy in the faith that not only did all the local believers think well of him, but Paul also saw such leadership potential in him that he invited him to join them on his missionary journey!
Just think about it. A young man, nurtured by the faith of his mother, Eunice, and his grandmother, Lois, now setting off on a missionary adventure to spread the truth of the Gospel, on a team with Paul, Silas, and Luke.
Now I wanted you to see all this, because it would’ve been easy to miss if we had just started in Colossians 3. Timothy, co-writer of Paul’s letter to the Colossians, was once a teenage boy growing up in a traditional Greco-Roman world, but his life was shaped by a village that consisted of (at least) 2 God-fearing women and 3 devout men. Eunice, Lois, Silas, Luke, and Paul. That’s a village! Eunice had a village when it came to raising her teen. And by the way, Paul was single, but he took his mentorship role in young Timothy’s life so seriously that he often called him “My true son in the faith!” or “My son whom I love!”
This is what it looks like to be someone’s village, to support a family like family.
With that in mind, and with all that historical context in the background, now let’s read together Colossians 3 verses 20 and 21:
COLOSSIANS 3:20
Children, always obey your parents, for this pleases the Lord. 21 Fathers, do not aggravate your children, or they will become discouraged.
Contrary to the household code of Roman society, in which a father’s authority was absolute and he could wield it however he chose to, Paul and Timothy are presenting a revamped household code for those within the family of God.
In this new reality, fathers still have authority - children are still supposed to obey their parents - but that authority is not absolute; it has limits and must reflect the authority of Christ!
Now, a quick aside about that word ‘children.’ There are 2 distinct words in the Greek for the word, ‘children.’ Paidia is the Greek word for ‘young children’ or ‘little children.’ But that’s not the word Paul and Timothy use here in Colossians. They use the word tekna, which means any child, son, or daughter, by birth, adoption, or spiritual relationship.
This means that when Colossians 3:20 says, “Fathers, don’t aggravate your children,” they’re not just talking about little children. This verse includes teenagers and adult children alike!
“Fathers, don’t aggravate your children,” In other words, don’t exasperate them. Your parental authority does not give you license to berate. To discourage. To crush with your words or actions, or to abuse. No. That’s the world’s code, the pater familas rules with an iron fist. But not you!
You, Christ- following fathers, are to be a reflection of Christ. Don’t aggravate your children. Don’t discourage them. That word ‘discourage’ in the Greek literally means ‘losing heart’ or becoming ‘dispirited.’ Today we might say, “don’t break their spirit.” The scripture depicts the tenderness of a father who loves the way God loves.
Psalm 103 describes God’s love this way:
“The LORD is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate…”
Now, both Colossians 3 and Ephesians 6 use the Greek word for ‘father’ and there’s a reason for that. They’re writing to an audience all too familiar with the old-world system: the Roman pater familias, and they’re saying, “It’s not like that in God’s Kingdom! In God’s kingdom, fathers aren’t autocrats! They don’t rule like dictators. No. In God’s Kingdom, fathers reflect the compassionate love of Jesus.” There’s a reason the passage uses the word ‘father.’
But that doesn’t mean this passage is only about fathers. Because we, in 2026, are centuries removed from the ancient system of the pater familias. We don’t live in that world anymore. Today, children are raised by all kinds of arrangements of people: single moms, single dads, stepmoms and stepdads, foster parents, adopted parents, grandparents, and extended family.
This wisdom Paul and Timothy are sharing applies to anyone raising children. It’s wisdom for all of us. When Tim Ayers preached on this passage a few years ago, he put it this way, he said: “Anything that’s good enough for Dad will be good enough for mom,” and I tend to agree! The Greek word may be ‘fathers’ but the wisdom here applies to all parents.
So in Ephesians 6 verse 4 we could read it this way:
4 Fathers, [or Parents], do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord. Ephesians 6:4
Now, 2 things are important here. First, that word for “bring them up” is the same word we see a chapter earlier, when Paul is telling husbands to love their wives: Ephesians 5:28-30 says:
“In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. 29 No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church.” Ephesians 5:28-29
That word ‘feeds’ in verse 29 is the same Greek word we see in Ephesians 6:4, talking about how parents should treat their children:
Fathers [parents], do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up, {‘feed them,’ or ‘nourish’ them}, with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.
Nourish them, the Scripture says… with discipline. And this is the second thing I think is really important:
If you’re like me, you may have a complicated relationship with the word ‘discipline.’ For many of us, when we hear the word ‘discipline,’ we think punishment. But that’s not what the word means here.
Here in Ephesians 6, and elsewhere in the New Testament, the Greek word for ‘discipline’ is “paideia” [pie – DAY – ah], and it means to instruct or educate. To teach or to train.
Paideia: train to reach full development.
In this light, Ephesians 6:4 would read like this:
Fathers, parents, don’t provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up [nourish them] with the discipline [the training] and instruction that comes from the Lord.
And this training and instruction doesn’t just mean a transfer of knowledge. That phrase we see at the end of verse 4: bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.
The NLT says ‘comes from the Lord’ but the phrase means “in the way of the Lord” or “as the Lord did.”
The verse is saying: “Train and instruct in the ways that Jesus did!”
And how did Jesus train and instruct? By modeling. He led by example. He took a basin of water and a towel, knelt down, and washed each of his disciples’ feet. And then He said:
“Since I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you ought to wash each other’s feet. 15 I have given you an example to follow. Do as I have done to you. John 13:14, 15
How do we nurture our children with the training and instruction that comes from the Lord? How do we train and instruct in the ways that Jesus did?
First:
We follow His example.
And then:
We lead by His example.
It’s what Barry said last week: if you want to be a great parent, focus on your faith first!
Author Drew Hill in his book Alongside: Loving Teenagers with the Gospel, puts it this way:
The key to disciplining children is for us as parents to actually live the lives we’re inviting them into. - Drew Hill, Alongside: Loving Teenagers with the Gospel
That’s so good, I’m gonna say it again:
“The key to disciplining children, [the key to training children], is for us as parents to actually live the lives we’re inviting them into!”
And the life we’re inviting them into is radically countercultural. The brokenness of our world’s system, like the pater familias of the ancient world, seeks total authority over our teens’ lives, demanding all their time and attention so it can shape their desires, dictate their affections, tell them who they are, and offer them nothing but emptiness and a constant churn of anxiety!
But that’s not the life we’re inviting them to! We are to model a totally new way of life for them! Or as Colossians 3 says, we’re putting off the old way, the old nature, and taking on a brand new way of being, a new nature. It’s what we read last week:
Colossians 3:12-15
Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. 13 Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. 14 Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. 15 And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.
As members of one body, you are called to live in peace. What a beautiful picture of what our homes could look like! What our families could look like if we followed Christ’s example and then led by His example! If we, as parents, modeled for our teens how to forgive the way Jesus forgives. If we trained them in mercy, kindness, and humility by modeling Christ’s mercy, kindness, and humility? If we show our teens that we are actively working on our own gentleness and patience, trying to pattern our lives after the gentleness and patience of Jesus?
The key to disciplining children is for us as parents to actually live the lives we’re inviting them into. - Drew Hill, Alongside: Loving Teenagers with the Gospel
That’s the aim, right? To be a reflection of Christ’s love?
Well, I’ll be the first to admit, I haven’t always done that very well.
Some of my biggest regrets in life are the moments I’ve reacted harshly toward my kids. Especially when they were teens! Moments when I discouraged them by the way I treated them. When I didn't let the peace that comes from Christ rule in my heart, but I let my emotions take over, instead!
And usually, those moments centered on my own fear—of losing what little control I had left over their lives.
Again, in his book “The Grown Ups Guide to Teenage Humans,” author Josh Shipp says that when it comes to raising teenagers:
You can have control.
Or you can have growth.
But you can’t have both.
Lord have mercy!
I’ll tell you, raising teenagers taught me some of the hardest lessons I’ve ever had to learn. And I’m still learning!
I read this book cover to cover as I prepared for this message. And in doing so, I felt an overwhelming desire to apologize to my now 21- and 23-year-old young adults! In retrospect, there were so many things I did wrong and so many things I wish I’d have done differently. At one point I just yelled across the house:
“I’m so sorry for all the ways I failed you as a parent!”
My daughter walked to where I was in the living room. I was still holding this book in my hands when she said, “it’s ok, Mom. You did the best you could with what you had at the time.”
Do you know what that is? That’s grace!
There’s an old hymn that sings:
“Grace! Grace! God’s Grace!
Grace that can pardon and cleanse within!
Grace! Grace! God’s Grace!
Grace that is greater than all my sin!”
The simplest definition I’ve come across for the word ‘grace’ is simply this:
Grace: God-given help or kindness
When my kids were teens, when they were coming into their own, testing the waters, and trying on new identities in order to discover who they are and what they want to be in this world, looking back, I know now what I needed. More than control, more than assurance that they would be ok, more than anything, I needed God’s grace. And that’s what I got!
God-given help, filled our days. It’s what made it possible for us to make allowance for each other’s faults. It’s what brought us back together after a fight. It’s what got us through our lowest moments as a family, and pushed us on to new heights.
Parents, you don’t have to be perfect. Give yourself so much grace, and keep trying, day by day, to reflect just a little bit more of Jesus.
And teens, you don’t have to be perfect either! Give yourself grace! And keep trying, day by day, to reflect just a little bit more of Jesus.
And both of you, please remember: you don’t have to go it alone!
I don’t think it’s a coincidence that Grace became our church, just as my family was launching into the teen years! Just when I needed more grace than ever before!
First sunday.jpeg
Grace Church, you have been my God-given help! I didn’t go it alone! I had Liz. Nicole. Dani. Randy. Dave and Penny. Tim and Jennifer. Sue Rosecrans. Dann Vohs. Jose Felix. Aristides. Jose Luis. Uncle Jeremy! Tyler. Barry. Marcus. Jeff. Amy. Ryan. Shelby. And so many others!
I can go on and on! You have been our village, and I could never thank you enough! Because of your God-given kindness, we are so much stronger and so much better off as a family! And now, it’s our honor to be part of your family’s village.
You don’t have to go it alone! You have a village right here!
And one of the ways we want to support you is with our upcoming Parenting Mini-Conference happening on Saturday, September 26th. Our friends David and Betsy Bell will be speaking; both are incredibly wise parents and teachers with a wealth of knowledge to offer. And there’s a whole list of breakout sessions to choose from as well, so don’t miss it! Come, and get equipped!
In closing, parents of teenagers, since we are your village, we want to pray over you. I’m going to invite Pastor Jeff Unruh to join me and as he comes, if you’re the parent or guardian of a teenager would you please stand right where you are. We want to offer this prayer of blessing over you.